Survived

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First day of chemo successfully survived. I even got to be a traditional movie patient and shuffle my drip to the loo. Considering I now have to consume 3 litres of water every day for the next few days, the loo will be my most favourite place  ; ) Overall it was a fairly chilled out day apart from the hunt for a vein in the morning which was a bit stressful.

I think it was as good as it could be and having those little extras made an enormous difference to my anxiety. I could feel a tiny hint of a panic attack when the cannula was being changed and I had images of deadly air bubbles to the brain but I managed to reign those in.

It is an odd duality of feelings though. On one level I feel relieved that I’m being treated and the drugs are working away. But I’m also feeling nervous and anxious that the drugs are also battering my body and are going to screw me in some unknowable way. Maybe that’s the main thing. The unpredictability of it. I should know with this first cycle what the side effects are going to be. Then next cycle I’ll know what to expect, so hopefully this anxiety will subside.

Next project is finding some cool, funky hats for spring weather. Challenge Bosom Buddies ; ) And a MA-HOOSIVE thanks to all you cheerleaders out there. It was a wonderful cosy feeling getting all your messages and comments. It made a big difference to maintaining my sense of self in an alien setting. You rock!!! I love you all.

20 thoughts on “Survived

  1. Karen

    We love you, beautiful woman. So proud of you. I really admire all the ways you’ve been finding to keep your sense of self in this strange environment. I hope the staff were nice. Do you really want us to find hats for you? That’s a great challenge! Sure you might end up with an interesting collection.

  2. Heidi

    thanks lovely women. I was thinking a little research project for ideas for cool hats for Spring (bit nippy) and Summer (sun hat) that i possibly can get away with wearing indoors if I choose to and am not feeling boob-punk one day ; ) Here’s an idea of a style I’m thinking about. If I’m feeling cheeky and braver than I’ve ever been, there’s this ; p

    1. Heidi

      thanks dearest. the steroids are making me feel very good. it is very nice and extremely suspicious. I suspect in two days things will be very different ; p but your cheerleading is awesome! thank you. xxx

    1. Heidi

      thanks darling varpu. all these good thoughts are getting me very far indeed. In those in between moments when drips are dripping and pumps are pumping, these comments are filling potential dread time with love and comfort. xxx

  3. tammy williams

    IT’S PRINCESS LEAH FROM STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a Jedi princess with or without the funny head piece!!
    Long reign Princess Most Wonderful Heidi xoxoxoxo

    1. Heidi

      you are determined to make me cry tammy and through blurry vision I write.. as long as I can be Leia in Ep III and not Princess Leia (love interest) or Leia (kinky slavegirl).. xxxx

  4. sokari

    That has got to be the best wooly hat ever. I just thought of something to think about – think of all the things you have learned in the last months, e.g., this wooly hat must be on sale somewhere or even better maybe a knitter friend could make on [sorry not me]; the NHS farms out breast cancer, chemo patients to lovely hospitals that prepare private lunches in private rooms with lovable nurses; Adam will always eat your food if you can’t; freeze hats are for the freezer and better to be bald; writing blog posts and taking daily pictures is fun and therapeutic; friends and family are there when they need to be; I know there are a bunch of horrid things too many of which you have detailed here and no doubt there will be more to come when the side effects start plus as you say the anxiety of not knowing whats going to happen next. Thinking of you, love sokari

  5. Heidi

    thanks gorgeous womenfolk. Sokari, yes I have learned a lot about how truly wonderful the people in my life are. from near and far, you all have steadied me. I’ve seen how random and uncertain life can be and learned what a powerful thing acceptance is. there are things I am grateful for and I count them, knowing that they will strengthen my mind against darker thoughts. But I also let the morbid ones come.. and go. As they need to. It’s a tricky balance to get right. The danger comes from such thoughts when they are repressed or allowed to loop. The action of writing them here is immensely helpful for processing them and squaring them away. I’m almost figuring it out as I type! Try not to worry. Only if you hear me repeating the same things over and over or being too jokey. Then panic ; ) xx

  6. Heidi

    Oh and P.S. I think the steroids are kicked in, hence extreme wordiness and late night musings. Insomnia and constipation incoming so a fun night blogging on the loo. In case anyone didn’t notice, poo is big news around these parts and there may be some over focus on it ; ) xx

  7. Linda

    Hello there Heidi – greetings from Chiapas, Mexico, does that make me your most far-flung supporter? I’m subscribing to your blog and cheering you on in spirit and now, in comment. The needle and radiation talk is giving me mild willies but I think it’s one of those things that’s not so bad once you’re in the middle of it… ? Like injecting yourself… You seem very well-balanced and taking it in stride. I’ve got some misfortunes as well (don’t we all) but mine involve fewer hospitals.
    It’s a privilege to get to follow you and get a peek inside the world of cancer treatment and read your honest and entertaining prose! Also your lunch photos look astonishingly tasty, is it just the light??? Greetings to Adam too! Linda – former A SEED activist now looking for new activisms

    1. Heidi

      Hi Linda! You are very far-flung. But I’m afraid I have some Aussie Bosomers so they get the award for furthest away ; ) Strangely my little sister is in Southern Mexico at the moment but I haven’t kept up with her movements. She’s doing a permaculture tour of Central America. She was fbing me from a jungle somewhere whilst I was getting chemo. Science rocks! I am so pleased you’re following the blog and sorry you’re getting a wee bit freaked out by the invasive stuff. I didn’t want to hide things or pretend it was all lovely and easy. But you’re right, I think it is much easier when you’re in the middle of it than watching it from afar. And also the act of writing seems to make something much more rigid and fixed whereas when you’re experiencing something, it’s so fluid and changes quickly. So I think the medium of telling the story can make it seem worse somehow.

      I don’t know if you want to share your ailments with the world on the blog, but please PM me if you want to talk, It makes me feel less normal if I’m the one getting supported constantly. I can handle a little reciprocity : )

      xxx

    1. Heidi

      mmmm yes. I particularly like the ‘Couvercle’ one. Are you offering to have a go at this or just a suggestion? xx

  8. Karen

    Well I was wondering about it… but your hair will probably be back by the time I could do it!! But send me your head circumference and I will give it a whirl!! It’s a nice hat – didn’t you used to have one a little like it? Looks a bit complicated – and includes crochet which I don’t do.. but who knows – it would be a learning experience!! I would also advise you to commission a few from speedier crafters than me!! Then you might get some nice surprises sooner!

  9. Belen

    I’m in… I already wnated to do it and send it as a surprise to you – but now you have asked for hats so I’ll go open and then would be handy to know your head circumference and fav colours…. hugs

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