Peeking out from the Rabbit Hole

Hi folks. I’ve just had a brief reprieve from side effects (gawd bless codeine) so I’ll just take the chance to update you lovely peeps. Thank you for all the comments and texts etc over the past few days. Even though I haven’t replied, they’ve been a great source of comfort.

Well the last 5 days have been pretty awful. Nausea for 2 days. Ah what a small word that is, nausea. And how innocuous it sounds. Curled up in a ball, barely able to speak is how it was. I found out after from the community nurse, that it shouldn’t have been like that. So next time I should ask for a different anti-emitic drug. Hah that just auto corrected to antisemitic. I’m on the look out for a pill that makes me hate hubby.

After two days, the constipation and diarrhoea kicked in. Two conditions which the management of are mutually exclusive. This sucked big time. Add in inexplicable muscular pain and constant stomach cramps and the only relief came when I was too tired to stay conscious.

Today we are finally consulting the GP and I am sticking to broth and rice. The community nurse has been showing Adam how to inject me with the immunity booster jab. Something he was looking forward to way too much. Maybe he got a whiff of the antisemitic drug ; p The whole immune system collapse has had some strange effects. I scratched an itch on my hand and instead of being red and then recovering, it stayed red. And every tiny cut is red and inflamed and just plain weird.

Things to be grateful for: Mum, Hubby, friendly messages, sympathetic healthcare professionals, Netflix, codeine and some naughtier substances. That is all.

25 thoughts on “Peeking out from the Rabbit Hole

  1. Sophie Michel

    Poor you. It sounds abolutely awful. The only bright side, if there’s one, is that the drug is fighting this awful disease. I hope the hardest part is behind you and hopefully you’ll learn to master the side effects for the next round of treatment.
    And yes, codeine is a god bless. Don’t know how I would have copped without it after Aurelien’s birth. It doesnt help with the constipation though.
    Keep strong xxx

    1. Heidi

      thanks Sophie. yes the ‘good’ side of the hellishness is that it means the chemo is effective at its carpet bombing. And it was always gonna target existing Achilles heels. xx

  2. Mel Jarman

    Sounds so awful, love to you. How’s your girl coping? Can I send things in the post to distract her/you? If so, email me your address xxxxx

    1. Heidi

      Thanks Mel. Yeh Lilah is pretty OK. Kids are amazingly adaptable and she’s taking it all in her stride. I’m sure she would love to get something in the post though! That’s a very kind thought. I’ll fb PM you my address. xxx

  3. Cazza

    You are so inspiringly brave and resilient. Your incisiveness makes everything you’re going through so clear and I couldn’t help tearing up! We send you so much love. Glad you’re out of that horrific nausea zone for some respite if only to come up for air and a chance to look for that anti-Semitic pill – gotta love predictive text! C xxxx

    1. Heidi

      Thanks Cazza! Sorry that’s too weird to call you that. Tooooo Grange Hill ; ) Your tears bring me tears. Hooray for the sharing around of tears! We WILL make it to that veggie cafe and I WILL eat vegan cake ; ) xxx

  4. Karen

    Hello sweet woman, just reading this I realise I’ve been in denial/clueless about how you must be feeling these past few days. I am so sorry to hear it has been so hellish. I was away for a few days and in my imagination you were doing fine… I am sorry my fantasy and your reality were so different. What can help? Sending you so much love.

    1. Heidi

      Hah don’t worry sweet friend, I think I was easily complacent about what was gonna occur. Wow, it was like hitting a fricking wall! I will now take cancer VERY seriously. Its time for full on systematic military style approach to this shit. Talked to my most wonderful GP and stocked up on laxatives and anti emitics and getting my diet sorted. I reckon it might be more helpful to fast when the nausea hits rather than before chemo and get fed up with it and stop. which is what happened. give my poor gut a wee rest while its freaking out! hope your weekend was glorious : ) xxx

  5. Sokari

    Sorry you are experiencing these horrid side effects but hope the adjustment of anti nausea helps for the next session. It’s a tough one Heidi, I was wary about saying too much on the possible side affects as times have changed and we are all different ahh on the other hand something happening as a result of said carpet bomb! .

    The most important things are having support and love and a good sense of humour which you have – always you find a way of bringing humour into your blog posts,

    1. Heidi

      Thanks dearest. Yeh I guess it is hard to know and everyone is different. But my Achilles heel was always my gut so I probably could have prepared better. I guess I was in denial a bit and thought I’d wait and see. anyway its all a learning curve. and hopefully next time I’ll be better prepared. xx

  6. Carole Cowan

    Ondansetron [zofran] is an excellent antiemetic. Nausea is totally debilitating, as much as pain imo. Good luck….

    1. Heidi

      Hi Carole. Yes I was taking Ondansetron and it did stop me vomiting but not the debilitating nausea. My GP has prescribed a different one called Metoclopramide instead. Fingers crossed! xx

  7. Belen

    Ay Heidi – poor thing, sorry to hear how awful it has been – hope very much next time won’t be as bad – nausea are horrible. Still you made me laugh with the antisemitic pill… Sending you love and warm thoughts brave woman,

    1. Heidi

      Thanks Belen. Apparently the effects of chemo are cumulative so if anything, things will get worse! but I will have figured out better ways to cope (hopefully). I tried really hard to find humour in the last few days but it was entirely absent. Predictive text saved the day once the way was clear. xxx

  8. Daphne Wysham

    No two ways about it: This sucks the big one. Wish I could spirit some (currently legal in some parts of the U.S.) weed to you to help with the nausea. Meanwhile, keep bathing yourself in as much humor as you can tolerate. And know many are are holding you in the light.

  9. JOBA

    All my love to you babes. You astound me your strength and ability to still be witty through agony…I guffawed outloud at the antisemitic drug comment…good ole predictive text to make a mockery of something important…I find it humbling and hilarious most of the time when it happens. What a bizarre experience to see your body reacting so differently to how its used to, with the scratch…kind of shakes your reality of yourself when youre body starts hadling things differently unbenownst to yourself. But youre still in there, just being altered and suppressed in some ways for a short while, dont you worry, youll come back fitter and more beautiful and wonderful than before. When i was in Belize i learned about how butterflies are made…that everything turns to water in the crysallis and then is remade into something wonderful and new. this is you. you are going into weird, icky crysallis mode right now and it all seems precarious and bizarre and painful but what will emmerge will be resplendant in hope and energy and indescriable beauty because it will be strength personified and remade…as you. as I always say…you awe me you do…you bloody great big wonder thing you.xxxxxx

    1. Heidi

      aw sis you give great comment! yes I am a butterfly, soon to emerge from my poo (or lack of poo) cocoon. did you see how fast poo got a mention?? second muthafricking sentence in. I can’t wait for you to get back to this wee island and join the cancer fun. love you xxxx

  10. Kamila

    Dear Heidi, thank you for your writing. I’m so sorry for all that you’re going through and so grateful that you want to share it. I hope the anti!?!?!?emetic:) drugs will help you darling. I’m hugging you from my quiet hometown in Poland and I’m totally with you.

    1. Heidi

      Thanks for the cosy Polish hug my friend. it is most gratefully received. And big kudos for keeping reading, even when it’s not all jokes and witty observations. much love xxx

  11. Emily

    Honestly Heidi, you are just wowing me constantly, with how strong and brave you are being! You have a lot to deal with and yet you are still able to have monents of humour! You are an inspiration to all of us! I think everyone could learn and little, or a lot from the likes of you! Xx

    1. Heidi

      Hah make a little antisemitic/cancer joke and people think you’re a hero ; ) Humour is a great tension reliever and laughter a brilliant medicine. The most powerful thing I can do for myself is keep my head straight. I hate to be too woowoo but even the New Scientist says positive thinking gets you a long way. And I think its OK to laugh at your own deadly diseases. Probably not so much at other people’s ; p Thanks for the support though Emily. These comments are powering me through. xxxx

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