A little bit off the top?

shavingThe day of the big shave finally came yesterday and it’s all off now. We had a little fun doing it, starting with a New Romantics/Morrissey cut, moving to a Barcelona mullet and then an Mohawkian with a little added feminism.. coz why not. It was a team effort from Kat, Adam and Lilah with her awesome combing and cuddling skills.

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I felt pretty alright about it in the end and I realised that a lot of my anxiety was sourced in this sense of losing my identity to the illness, or rather the cure. At the beginning of this process when I was going alone to appointments and dealing with two or three medical types in the room with me, it was very easy to feel my sense of self slip away. When you’re vulnerable, made more pronounced by having your boobs on display, it’s very difficult to make your personality felt by others. Your humanity and theirs gets subsumed by the language and environment you’re all in. When Adam started coming with me, that changed quite a lot. Having him telling cheesy jokes and speaking up when I couldn’t really helped the doctors and nurses remember that we were all human beings and had other parts of our identities than just this narrow set of interactions.

Anyway now it’s time to incorporate this new look into my existing identity, which has much more to it than ‘Woman with Breast Cancer’. As Lilah said to me this morning, “Your bald head is cool and inside you’re still Mummy.”
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9 thoughts on “A little bit off the top?

  1. Belen

    Hurrah for Lilah! and for you, Adam and Kat!!! Leyre also tells me this whenever I feel awful about the burn-out and the mood swings related and far too often directed at her… inside is mama and she can see that… awsome aren’t they???

    I got the cotton I had ordered yesterday and I am going to work on it the weekend – hope to send you a present you like very soon…. could you also send me Lilah’s head circumference?

    Pics are wonderful, thanks for sharing! hope effects or chemo are less tough this time – good to see Kat being there with you. Hugs

    1. Heidi

      Yeh kids are wonderful. Good for Leyre too! Our brilliant, beautiful children! Ah thank you so much for this hat-making mission Belen, I am very much looking forward to your awesome creation. Lilah’s head is 53 cm. Today is the day when the chemo hits and so far it’s been ok. Let’s keep fingers crossed all our new drugs and extra preparations are gonna make this one a smoother ride. xxx

  2. Emily

    Take cancer by the balls and give it a huge F you!!! I think when you see someone walking around with a shaved head due to cancer, people see strength not weakness! Your a fighter of the toughest kind and everyone is in amazed by your fighting skills! Big love! Xxxxx

  3. sokari

    Way to Go HEIDI – Love the photos, my fav is the Taxi Driver – You Lookin At Me?

    You are walking with the Spirits, I can feel it.

    1. Heidi

      hah yes Taxi Driver! I didn’t think I was able to summon the angry punk spirit but it came surprisingly easily ; ) xxx

  4. sokari

    You are awesome Heidi, your whole family and especially Lilah, I gonna be definitely in London for a month in May – yaaaaaa so looking forward to seeing you all.

  5. Karen

    Hello love, was offline for a few days but am back again. You look stunning in the pictures! I’m reading books about mountaineering at the moment and am actually thinking that the mind wrestling, endurance, bravery and stoicism that mountaneers need in the himalayas actually could be applied to a lot of other life experiences – like doing chemo. Maybe you might find some good mountain books inspiring? sending you big big love xxxxx

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