Clean Bones

falafel burgerThis is my celebratory falafel burger. My bone scan came back clear. Remember a couple of weeks ago I was radioactive and couldn’t cuddle Lilah? Well that was a scan to check that the cancer hadn’t escaped the boob, tunnelled under the lymph nodes and made a break for my bones. It hasn’t. I had managed to stay fairly scanxiety-free for the two weeks since the scan but yesterday my tensions started to rise. I googled bone cancer. Noob mistake. Suddenly I was thrust into a huge sliding doors moment where my life could fork dramatically. If the scan was not clear we were in the realm of scary things like ‘bone cement‘, amputation and with secondary cancers we were talking palliative care. Here’s some painkillers, go home and get your affairs in order. I talked about acceptance being so important to coping with what’s happening but without a definite diagnosis, there is no acceptance. I was just in this state of limbo, between worlds. Would my life be one thing or another?

I did manage to get 5 hours sleep which I think is pretty decent for a night contemplating the abyss. Mum came with me to hold my hand and I did some serious deep breathing in the waiting room. When the doctor came to get us she immediately apologised and ushered us off down to a different room than usual. This was my worst fear, that we were be put in the dreaded comfy room once again. That could only mean one thing. Luckily she casually passed by the door to that room and swerved around to another office. I love the uncomfortable chairs of the office rooms. They mean INFORMATION and OFFICIAL COLD FACTS. The soft chairs of the comfy room mean bad, sad news. The doctor started gibbering on about chemo and how it was going and discussing this anti-emitic or that steroid. All I wanted to know was “Am I going to die?” So as calmly as I could manage I asked her for the bone scan results. Reassuringly she fumbled through her computer system in a very un-terminal news-like fashion. When she gave the good news, it was almost an anti-climax as Mum and I couldn’t whoop and holler. The doctor was way too cluelessly unconcerned about it all for us to react that way.

Anyway back to the breast cancer. So the doc copped another feel of my bad boob and declared the lump to be smaller. This was also delightful as I didn’t feel it was changing at all. She seems to think it’s gone down by at least 1cm but she does want me to get an ultrasound to check. Although last time they underestimated the damn thing by 4cm so my faith in their accuracy is limited. We won’t know for sure without an MRI and I REALLY don’t want another of those yet. Today however is about basking in the glow of good news. So come celebrate with me, my friends. We earned it.

26 thoughts on “Clean Bones

  1. Kat

    Clinking imaginary champagne and shouting WOOOHOOO! So glad the staring into the abyss bit didn’t last too long, your mum was there to hold your hand whilst abyss-contemplating, and that the sliding doors slid the right way!

    Having a bit more certainty of exactly what you’re dealing with sounds like a huge bonus too.

    And on top of that, the fact that the doctor thinks the tumour is shrinking is great news, a tangible reward for all that suffering through chemo.

    You SO earned this good news. <3

    1. Heidi

      yay, yay and yay! yeh I was kind of feeling down about chemo and all that suffering for naught. but it spurns me on, ready for the next blast. I realised after this meeting that I do have to take the Herceptin for a year so a few side effects to endure still. but today is all goodness, hope and life. xxxx

  2. tammy williams

    Gonna go do a little jig in the soft spring rain with a BIG smile on my face 🙂 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Oh, the burger looks wonderful too 🙂 xoxoxoxoox

    1. Heidi

      Ah that makes me smile : ) The burger was a bit on the dry side but who bloody cares??!! xxxx

  3. Joba

    Weeeeeeeeeeeey! this is such fantastic news. Christ alive does bone cancer sound hideous…but you can give that the fingers up now and head on the way to shrinkyboobesville…or some description more accurate and less pervy dr.suess-esque. love you bebs.xxxxx

  4. Josh

    *big sigh* That is a huge relief. Thanks for telling us the good news as the start, I’m not sure I could have read this post otherwise.

    1. Heidi

      yeh I thought as I was writing it that it would have been especially cruel to not start with the good news. I would never do that to my bosomites : )

  5. sokari

    Yaaaaaaa – well I celebrated with falafel and homous lunch TOOOOO but not chips just salad. AND here’s the biggie which we will remember in years to come, I got a new ear piercing [right ear ] so big day eh, it will be called H-B.

    So happy for this and enjoy the rest of the day and the days ahead



    1. Heidi

      well done on chip-avoidance! and massive congrats on the piercing. I think I need to mark the end of this with a body mod of some sort. tat or piercing, not sure yet. I used to really love my nose stud. hmmmm.. love you my amazing friend. xxx

  6. Karen

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! Thank goodness. Your night of looking into the abyss sounds pretty horrible, though you did amazingly well to get 5 hours sleep. But WWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO so fantastic to know that your bones are fine!!!!! I didn’t allow myself to contemplate the possibility of any other result. Can’t believe you googled it, you mischief woman. But welcome to Shrinkyboobsville!!!! That sounds great!

    1. Heidi

      yeh the night was rough. it’s a tricky dilemma to know if you should prepare for the worst or just ignore it til it happens. but I felt it was kind of inevitable that I would have the worst fears so just managing them was all I could do in the end.

      are you inspired to paint this awesome place called Shrinkyboobsville? xxxx

  7. Barbara

    Great news. You might want to look into cannabis oil too, just to support what you’re already doing. Can’t hurt.

    1. Heidi

      thanks Barbara, Adam and my friend Kat are researching the best and most active type as we speak. I’m already taking curcumin. the US is way ahead of us in this regard. xx

  8. Kerrie

    That is wizard news. Dem bone dem bones gonna walk around.

    This is a song from an amateur dramatics production I was in so many moons ago. Hope you like it. Every moment I stand still – usually when doing the laundry – I send you energy and thoughts. Kbx

    1. Heidi

      thanks Kerrie! yeh when I think bones, that song pops straight in ; ) which bone were you in the production?

      and big thanks for the thoughts. I can feel em.. xxxx

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