Edgy Margins

So I’m not in the clear yet my friends. As much as I ever will be anyway. The pathology report is in and the surgeon isn’t happy that they could still find pre-cancerous cells a skant 0.5mm from the edge of the extra tissue (margin) they took around the tumour. Too close for comfort. This means they’re going back in from the nipple to take another centimetre of tissue. That will be looked at and if there are still cancerous cells too close to the edges, then mastectomy is back on the table again.

My lymph nodes are all gone. I had 16 of them and 5 were diseased. They’re happy with that side of things. Now we wait for a surgical date which will be as soon as possible. I will be under general anaesthetic again, so another opportunity for random bursts of song. But this time it’s day surgery and no drain. Although it’s certainly a huge drag, it’s not the worst it could be.

Weirdly I sort of knew this was going to happen. You remember that Buffy-style flash of thrill I got a while ago? I had a similar moment of deep knowing after the surgery that it wasn’t all gone. I’m not one for intuition or unprovable similar wooiness. But I had this type of solid, deep in my bones feeling before my diagnosis. I was torn last night between wanting to be right and to be able to trust myself and wanting to be wrong and not having another hurdle to overcome. Seems I’ll have to settle for feeling smug about crap.

So how am I feeling about it? Fed up, frustrated, things along that theme. I was hoping to be done with active treatment by my birthday. But that’s the petulant part of me. I can feel the adaptive human kicking in already. Time to buy more loose fitting clothing and tops that button up. Time to get more fibre in me if morphine is the drug of choice for the foreseeable. Time to accept the haul just got a bit longer. Time to stop pouting.

7 thoughts on “Edgy Margins

    1. Heidi

      Thanks dear. I think it helps to see it as a process to go through. Boom, the shock. Then feeling the feelings. Really important to feel whatever even if it seems indulgent. Then acceptance. Rather than a pool of resilience that can be exhausted. I’d have run out a long time ago if I went down that path.. xxx

  1. Caroline

    Deep breath. It must feel unending Hun. But the light at the end of this most arduous and painful of tunnels is closer than it has ever been. In many ways, thank goodness your surgeon is honest, thorough and determined to zap the blighters. Instinct is a funny thing. Loads of love coming atya on the west wind. C xxxxxx

    1. Heidi

      thanks darling. I’ve been in the breast cancer forum and quite a few of them have had the same so I don’t feel quite so alone. and yes it is reassuring that they’re being careful. plus the recovery doesn’t look to be as long winded. all good : ) xxx

  2. Karen

    I wish I could say something useful and constructive but all I can do is send you a big hug. You made me smile with your great statement that all you can do is “feel smug about crap”. Amazing really to feel that you had that deep knowing about them needing to take a bit more off before it was really gone. It’s great news about the lymph nodes – sounds like the gate keepers did their jobs. And we just have to be so pleased that the process is so thorough that the surgeons take what they think they need to, then come back and check and then they know for sure what else they need to do. That is really amazing, and also reassuring. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I love you and wish you didn’t have to go through this crap xxxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Mike

    So sorry to hear about the set back, but it sounds like you are in good hands and they are making sure they do a thorough job. You have amazing instincts that I’m sure will continue to serve you well. Keep on staying strong x x x

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