What could be

Remember that last mammogram, the one that was going to take eight weeks to get the results back from? Remember how I complained and chased and phoned and whined until they told me it was clear. Turns out it wasn’t.

Turns out the second radiologist to check it found something suspicious. There are teeny tiny spots of calcium in the bad boob. There are only three that I could see. They showed me on the scan. Three tiny specks that you need to zoom in very close to see. I can understand how the first radiologist missed it.

Three microscopic white specks that are suspicious. Could be scar tissue. Could be from radiotherapy. Could be nothing.

Could be the sign of precancerous activity.

Could be everything.

They wanted to do a second mammogram. Sometimes if the scan is really clear, they can tell from the shape and spread of the calcifications what they actually are. So they hooked me up to the machine again in that cold, cold room, but couldn’t be certain.

They did an ultrasound to check for lumps and bumps. Nothing. Good.

But they weren’t happy still so they hooked me back up to the mammogram machine. This time on my side lying down with a whole nurse purely to be kind, to keep me distracted. They anaethistised the boob, a sharp scratch.

Then the mammogram tells them exactly how deep to dig with their giant needle. They take five biopsies and are very happy to capture those tiny calcified cells. They’re very pleased, I can hear it in their voices. I’m just relieved I don’t have to have the giant needle punched in my body again.

The nurse presses on the wound for ten minutes to prevent bruising and stop the bleeding. I’m grateful for her and for the anaesthetic that is still working while she pushes down on me.

Now I’m very tired. The wound is healing but my body is so very tired. Two weeks until the results come back.

Two weeks.

I know this terrain. Scanxiety. I know how to cope. Oh but I’m tired of just coping. I was beginning to take time for granted a little. I didn’t plan ahead far. A year I thought, maybe three? I could start this sewing business. I could figure out how to get my family a secure home to live in. I could..

But we’re in different ‘could’ territory now. It could be nothing. It could be everything.

Two weeks.


18 thoughts on “What could be

  1. Heidi Bachram

    Thanks for hugs, love and prayers. Received with extreme gratitude. Yes Kath, weary.. That’s the feeling of the time. I need to get on and accept the life on hold and maybe I can find some energy to not be weary. Much love back to you all.. Thanks for listening to me working this all out. xxxx

  2. Soksri

    Hey my dear. So sorry this is happening again, and exhausting. Whatever happens you know you are now fit and healthy snd that will serve you well. Sending muvh love xxxxxxx

  3. tammy williams

    Oh, most Sweetest Heidi. Know that we stand with you for these two weeks. Indeed, we stand with you ALWAYS.
    Keep sewing & enjoying the beautiful bounties from your gardens – both veg & human.
    With so much Love

  4. Heidi Bachram

    Tammy, the love and solidarity means so much. Thank you. I honestly don’t feel I can engage with the plans I had. I’m living in an in-between land of many possibilities and it makes it feel dishonest to only keep connected to the one I imagined and planned. I think I need something else. Some way to be in limbo and squeeze as much out of that as I can. It might need a different approach. Maybe lots of enjoying more basic things, like cafes and giggles and cleaning my house. xxx

  5. Karen

    Hello love, I’ve just seen your beautiful and poetic post expressing this new and painful experience. You’ve got so much wisdom about navigating these times. Cafes, giggles and house cleaning sound like the crucial ingredients of life. I am so sorry that you have this unexpected stress to cope with at a point when you deserve to be able to start taking things for granted again. Sending you so much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  6. Heidi Bachram

    Thanks wonderful Karen. Yes, I think it’s a good formula for all times. I was just hoping to add some extras into the mix. Waiting, waiting, bit more waiting. xxx

  7. Gill Ritchie

    Be gentle with yourself, the waiting is so , so hard. Plan and do things that make you happy & bring you peace every day. Sending you positive vibes and hoping your results come back very quickly and completely clear ❤️

  8. Heidi Bachram

    Thanks Gill! I know you understand these feelings very well. Peace and happy things, yes. Much love back to you.. xxx

  9. Ronnie Hall

    Thinking about you Heidi and hoping it will only be two weeks of anxiety and nothing more. xx

  10. Kamila

    Dear Heidi sorry to hear about some unpleasant moments and the stressful situation… I wish you as many giggles as you can handle now and a lot of mess at home and garden so that you can clean it all as much as you please! Sunny weather would be welcome, too, to cheer you up!! I’m waiting for the news with you, keeping my fingers crossed for the best for you. Sending you lots of love, attention and kisses.

  11. Katy

    Darling Heidi, fuck, so sorry darling. Please harness all the love that’s around you (and streaming from Australia) to get through the next two weeks. Xxxx

  12. Courtney

    Heidi you are in my thoughts. You have such a positive attitude and such a wonderful perspective on life. I wish you all the best. I hope the results come back quickly.

  13. George

    Hi Heidi, adding to the love and support from this part of the world. Thinking of you and those two most important satellites in your life, and sending love to all. Hoping you find some helpful distractions during this waiting time .x.x.x.

  14. Heidi Bachram

    Thank you lovely people. Knowing you’re all with me is a beautiful feeling. I’m feeling more of the frustration easing and acceptance creeping in. It helps because resistance is pooping me put. Need that energy for other things. Anyway, hour by hour. Day by day. xxxx

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